Why I Decided on Having an Only Child [WARNING: Newborn photography dump ahead. Brace yourself]
For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to have kids. I love babies, my first job was babysitting, and I loved watching my younger cousins growing up. When asked about how many children I planned to have one day, my answer was always, “I want a whole bunch! But at the very least, one each—a boy and a girl.”
When Roland and I started trying to conceive, I already had lists upon lists of possible baby names picked out. Since I assumed this child would be the first of many, I didn’t care what the sex was. Because I figured in time I’d get to experience having both boys and girls.
But, as any parent will tell you, my whole world changed when our little 6lb 4oz baby was born. All of the desires I’d had my whole life of being a mom were instantly fulfilled. I felt whole and completely satisfied. He was everything I thought I needed and so much more than that.
I guess I expected that after the “newborn” glow wore off, I’d start to look ahead and that inner desire to grow our family would return. Eventually, I’d start longing to have a little girl, too, right? Or even a little brother.
But here we are, Roman a few months from turning 2, and I don’t have any desire to have another child.
The reactions from other people mirror what my own would’ve been, pre-kid:
“When are you going to give him a little brother or sister?” “Don’t you want to have a little girl?” “Oh don’t worry, you’ll get baby fever again and be ready for another one!”
And I get it. 2 is still young. Maybe when he’s a bit older, a little less dependent upon me…maybe then I will feel differently. But honestly, right now, I don’t think that I will. And I think some people don’t really understand that.
It seems some people assume you don’t like being a parent or are too overwhelmed to handle more kids. This isn’t true at all. Being Roman’s mom IS all-consuming, but it is also the most joyful, fulfilling aspect of my life. He brings me immeasurable happiness and fills our days with laughter. I find myself just staring at him constantly, trying to engrave every tiny detail of how he is right in this moment in my memory. And still, I don’t feel the need to have another baby.
I’ve surprised myself with how I no longer care about having “one of each [sex]”. The way I see it now, a little person is a little person. Being born male or female doesn’t have anything to do with the personality a child will have—whether they are rambunctious and outgoing or quiet and inquisitive. My love for my child would not be conditioned on their sex. So why would I have another child just to try for a girl? Admittedly, I may not get to shop for cute dresses and whatnot, but is that enough of a reason to bring another life into the world? Not for me.
I’ve also received some comments about him being an “only child” along the lines of “won’t he be lonely?” or “the only ‘only kids’ I know are spoiled brats.”
First of all. Rude. Lol. Second, I notice that these comments never come from people who were only children or who are raising only children. So as with many things in life, it’s natural for people to not understand (and even fear) unknown territory. I confess, I was once worried about these things, too. Everyone I knew had siblings, myself and my husband included! I turned to the only two “only children” I knew for answers (and of course, the internet). The consensus was: I never felt deprived, lonely, or incomplete without siblings. I feel like I had a good childhood and I have a good relationship with my parents.
Well that’s reassuring. And as for the “spoiled brat” comment, let’s be real here. I know tons of kids who behave like turds who aren’t only children. The whole “spoiled” thing is not a facet of who you are based on whether or not you have siblings.
Ignorant comments aside, I did (and still do) consider many things when picturing our future with only one child. I see myself finally regaining some autonomy sooner rather than later. When we are done with diapers, that’s it. And diaper bags. And infant car seats. And baby monitors. And breastfeeding. And sippy cups with a million small pieces that have to be hand washed. We won’t go through 2-3 more years of that all over again.
I see Roland and I being able to focus all of our resources (both time and money) on Roman.
We aren’t outnumbered and can trade off when the other parent needs a break. Going out as a party of 3 is pretty doable in terms of restaurant, theater, and amusement ride seating. I’m sure finding a willing babysitter for one is easier than for multiples. When he’s old enough, he can pursue his interests and we will probably be able to afford it. Whether it’s martial arts, dance, sports, whatever. And that’s important to me because I know growing up I held myself back from so many extracurricular interests because I knew we couldn’t afford the costs involved.
When I put all these things together and envision our future as a family of three, it just feels right. Of course, none of this is meant to say that there is a “right” or “wrong” number of kids to have. Every family is different. This is just me, sharing my thought process, as someone whose original idea of what my life as a parent would look like did a full 180. And that’s ok. And I hope that if anyone else out there finds themselves in this boat, they’ll realize they’re not alone and take comfort in knowing that they’re not selfish or dooming their kid to a life of solitude and misery nor guaranteeing they’ll turn into ungrateful monsters. Rather, I’d say it’s a mark of a good parent to be able to make decisions that are right for you and your family and growing your happiness despite the misgivings of anyone else. As for our little family right now, we’re enjoying life as 3.
